How to be Emo: a Step by Step Guide
1. Start off by telling yourself you’re a lousy person. Do anything that could hurt your self-esteem—really it makes the later steps easier and more efficient.
2. Disregard any real friends you have, you don’t need them.
3. Memorize lyrics to various EMO bands. Quote them in everyday life and use them in any situation possible. Use them as ideologies as to which you live by.
3. Get an account to myspace. Befriend everyone. you’ll need this “network” of friends later to whine to.
4. While you’re making your account, make sure to listen to EMO music. Perhaps some Screamo, the fact that you can’t understand the lyrics, make it that much more emotional for you.
5. Create an account to deviantart. This will come of use later.
6. After you’ve successfully created your account, buy a journal, and make sure you bring it everywhere with you, so when you think of any certain EMO feelings that you have, you can write about them.
7. Go onto myspace everyday, become addicted to it. Comment on everybody’s page, so everyone likes you. Make sure you always write depressing blogs, so people feel bad for you, and make sure you feel bad for yourself for doing it.
8. You’ve realized that everyone on myspace is in a relationship, you feel that they’ve all experienced heartbreak, and you should too. Go get a significant other.
9. After a week of dating your significant other, make sure you become obsessed with them. Call this feeling “love”.
10. Go on dates with your significant other to trendy coffee shops, and make sure to smoke cloves, that seems to be the biggest trend lately. Remember to always pull out your journal when you have the chance. It gives your significant other pride, knowing that you’re so artistically inclined.
11. It’s been two weeks, and you haven’t been moping around enough. Have you been smiling? Stop it. EMO kids don’t smile.
12. Dye your hair black. It expresses your void, depressed, inner self.
13. Draw X’s on your hands—it shows how straight edge you are (even if you’re not).
14. Your significant other realizes you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Bask in this and milk it for all its worth. Every chance you get, cry to your significant other, and tell them how much you love them, and how you couldn’t live without them.
15. You’ve started making quite the collection of depressing writings in your journal. Make use of that deviantart account, and post your suicidal thoughts as “poetry.”
16. Decide to hate a person.
17. It’s been a few days. Forgive this person, but make a big scene out of it. It will show people your open and bleeding heart.
18. Beat around the bush. Never be straightforward with anyone.
19. Point out all your bad qualities to your significant other, and your network of friends on myspace. Do this so you can point them out before others can judge you. This makes you look stable, but everyone really knows you’re weeping on the inside. Make comments about your new hair color and how you know it’s so not working with your bone structure. Not only will you seem more trendy, but you’ll be aware of your own inadequacies. Not only will this render people to feel sympathetic of your hair color choice, it will cause them to shower you in pity compliments.
20. Your significant other suggests that your style is slowly fading. Go buy a hoodie, and some skinny jeans two sizes too small.
21. Did you think that was it? Buy a pair of converses or checkered vans.
22. Sit out on a cold winter day, and when people ask what you’re doing reply to them “Watching life die”
23. Cheat on your significant other. Rationalize this to yourself, and justify it to others by any means possible.
24. You’re starting to receive more compliments than ever on deviant art for your expressive use of language and artistic style. Everyone knows that these are just your suicidal scrawlings, so they figure to keep you from going under they must keep you afloat with a variation of compliments.
25. Post pictures on myspace of the bodily harm you’ve inflicted upon yourself
26. You’re more EMO than ever...score!
27. But not EMO enough. Stop bathing. The lack of ability to keep up your hygiene shows your inner turmoil you have to go through on a daily basis.
28. You’re not listening to enough EMO music. Start going to all the EMO shows at your local coffee shop to connect with all the local bands. Since you’ve already memorized every lyric to various EMO bands, you can sing along in the corner by yourself.
29. That’s not good enough. Start your own band despite your lack of ability to sing or play an instrument. Make sure you use your journal entries as lyrics. EMO knows no bounds.
30. After you’ve started your own band, give it an extremely sad name. Get ideas from your journal entries.
31. Your band has no talent, but whenever someone comments on your music, act like a music know-it-all.
32. It’s been a month. You have driven your significant other away with your obsessive crying and talk of love. Make sure you use this breakup as an example of heartbreak in your everyday conversations. This is a good prop for more deviantart poetry, and more myspace blogs. Your network of friends will feast on this news.
33. Now that you’re all alone in the world, attempt suicide at least once, or at least say you did. With this near brush with death, you now have even more to write about on your myspace and deviant art.
34. Your journal is about full, buy another one and title it: “my sad life, part II”
35. Stalk your ex-significant other. Lurk around corners, but make sure they know you’re there watching. You want to appear upset and despondent when they confront you.
36. Always talk about wearing masks and how you act happy to hide your sadness. You know this is bullshit because you never actually act happy.
37. Everyone at school realizes you’re constantly popping pills, when they ask you what they are tell them they are anti-depressants. In reality, they are just placebos.
38. Stop eating. Or if you can’t do that, start eating an obscene amount of food. Either way comfort yourself with food, or the lack thereof.
39. Start failing your classes. You wouldn’t want anyone to know there’s a genius under all your sorrowful exterior. Start ditching classes.
40. Stop masturbating all together. With all your moods swings lately, you can’t stay concentrated long enough.
41. Stop going out to social events. You’re to upset with life to face them. Stay home in bed.
42. Make sure you check your myspace and deviantart daily. Tell everyone you’re leaving, and that you’re never coming back.
43. Go back a week later.
44. Your network of friends are starting to see that you’re all talk and no action. They start to see that you bitch and moan a lot but you never fully go through with anything.
45. Within a week your “network” of friends start to abandon you one by one by deleting you off their friends list and by refusing to read your bulletins on myspace. They refuse to respond to your emails. You begin to realize what real depression is, and in your previous so called depression, you realize you were just an attention seeking whore.
46. Congratulations, you’ve successfully become EMO.